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Mother and daughter use beer to escape attacker.

A cute pink seal stun gun. Yes, I can hear Eliza SQUEE from here.

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Don’t know what to get your bacon loving, alcoholic family members? We at WI3D have the answer, vodka infused with the essence of bacon.

Really. Bacon flavored vodka.

Yes, bacon makes EVERYTHING better.

If you’re in the market for such a purchase be reading to fork out some serious coin, the minimum bid on this little ancient beauty is $115,000 (USD).

Why? You may ask. Would she be willing to part with such a keepsake? According to Nancy they need to make room for her son’s new passion, the building of sleek hot rods. But, Nancy also has her own guilty pleasure assigned for the space that will be opened by ridding themselves of this relic of Earth’s past — the use of their sauna, which has laid dormant for nearly 4 years. It has been serving as the storage unit for some of the beastie’s bones.

The Fiddlers figure this is the perfect time to put the hairy elephant on the market since Mastodons are getting a lot of press after the release of the new movie “10,000 B.C.” The ancient critters lived from about 15 million years in our past until their mass extinction around 10,000 years ago.

Lending credence to its authenticty and worth is paleontolgist Bruce Hanson, consultant for the Okland museum. “It’s a beautiful specimen,” stated Hanson.

Some members of academia seem upset over the proposed online bidding for such a priceless fossil. “What is it going to do? Sit on someone’s mantle?” said Mark Goodwin of the University of California Museum of Paleontology. “I would prefer to see it donated to a museum. This is our fossil heritage.”

Witchita, KS — A 35-year-old woman who sat on her boyfriend’s toilet for so long that her body was stuck to the seat by the time he called police had a phobia about leaving the bathroom, the boyfriend said.

“She is an adult; she made her own decision,” said her boyfriend, Kory McFarren. “I should have gotten help for her sooner; I admit that. But after a while, you kind of get used to it.”

The case drew nationwide attention after Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple said it appeared the Ness City woman’s skin had grown around the seat in the two years she apparently was in the bathroom.

“We pried the toilet seat off with a pry bar and the seat went with her to the hospital,” Whipple said. “The hospital removed it.”

McFarren, 36, said he can’t be certain how long Pam Babcock stayed in the bathroom because “time just went by so quick I can’t pinpoint how long.” He said beatings she received in her childhood caused her phobia.

“It just kind of happened one day; she went in and had been in there a little while, the next time it was a little longer. Then she got it in her head she was going to stay – like it was a safe place for her,” McFarren said.

But McFarren said she moved around in the bathroom during that time, bathed and changed into the clothes he brought her. He brought food and water to her. They had conversations and had an otherwise normal relationship – except it all happened in the bathroom.

McFarren said he finally called police Feb. 27 after he became worried because Babcock was acting groggy – like she didn’t know what was going on, except she was awake.

What emergency responders found when they went into bathroom has left residents of this small western Kansas town buzzing, and law enforcement officials incredulous.

Police found the clothed woman sitting on the toilet, her sweat pants down to mid-thigh. She was “somewhat disoriented,” and her legs looked like they had atrophied, Whipple said.

“She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body,” Whipple said. “It is hard to imagine. … I still have a hard time imagining it myself.”

She initially refused emergency medical services, but was finally convinced by responders and her boyfriend that she needed to be checked out at a hospital.

“She said that she didn’t need any help, that she was OK and did not want to leave,” he said.

Whipple said the county attorney will determine whether any charges should be filed against McFarren.

McFarren, who works at an antique store, said he has been taking care of Babcock for the 16 years they have lived together. He insisted that he tried to coax her out of the bathroom every day.

“And her reply would be, `Maybe tomorrow,”‘ Whipple said. “According to him, she did not want to leave the bathroom.”

She was reported in fair condition Wednesday at a hospital in Wichita, about 150 miles southeast of Ness City. Whipple said she has refused to cooperate with medical providers or law enforcement investigators.

Babcock has an infection in her legs that has damaged her nerves, and there is a possibility she may wind up in a wheelchair, McFarren said.

James Ellis, a neighbor, said he had known the woman since she was a child, but that he had not seen her for at least six years.

“I don’t think anybody can make any sense out of it,” Ellis said.

Babcock had a tough childhood after her mother died at a young age and apparently was usually kept inside the house as she grew up, he said.

“It really doesn’t surprise me,” Ellis said. “What surprises me is somebody wasn’t called in a bit earlier.”